Monday, January 25, 2010

Get a grip!

The funny thing is..I could use a couple of these.

So, lately I have been having what I call, "lose your mind days" and "get a grip" days. Usually I get a grip after one or two days of losing my mind.

I was kind of looking forward to getting past the (wonderful!) holidays so that I could rest more, get into a normal routine and set and achieve some new goals. I started thinking of things that I wanted to improve upon and it seemed like almost everything in my life made that list! Does that happen to anyone else?

Keep the house clean, read my scriptures, de-junk, save money, exercise more, watch less t.v., be less idle, be a better wife and mother, be more patient, get out more, do a better job with my callings and church assignments etc.

Lately the only things that I feel like I excell in are keeping us stocked with clean laundry, milk, bread and toilet paper. We hardly ever run out of those things. I know it's not much, but, ya know what? When I need to feel good about myself I think of those things and sometimes it's enough to be proud of.

If you know me well, you know that my house usually looks like a bomb went off and that I don't really "cook" often. You can also often find me in my footie pajamas and Felicity in just a diaper (if I'm lucky-she hates to wear anything-and today I could only get her to put on a swim diaper-not the same thing as a diaper apparently-pee pee went everywhere). I feel like I am a good mom and a good wife (most of the time) but I am so often feeling discouraged because I am a horrible housekeeper and cook.

Factors to why I feel this way/why things are this way:

-I like to be comfy
-I am kind of a homebody
-I give Felicity a lot of freedom-it is starting to backfire-she makes messes-she throws FITS about getting dressed etc.
-I go to bed too late
-Felicity is still "jack in the boxing" out of bed each night
-I have less energy and more pain than the averge Joe because of my Scleroderma
-I have a really hard time getting moving in the mornings-joint pain and fatigue
-I am pretty sure I am lazy
-One of my favorite things to do is read and this involves staying home and ignoring messes
-Keeping up with Felicity makes me POOPED!

OK-enough excuses-and you are probably wondering where all of this is going. Really this post is more for myself than anything. Today Felicity was especially stubborn and things are a crazy mess and I just thought, "Get a grip! I am going to make some serious goals to become the person I want to be-and I am going to put it on my blog so that 1)people will know that I am aware of my faults, that I know the jammies thing is not really normal 2)Maybe someone else will have a hard day and realize that they are not the only one who feels like they can't keep up with life 3) I can put my goals into writing and maybe get a little motivation and responsibilty from my friends.

So-there are a million things I want to work on-but I really just want to make many small and responsible decisions each day so that things are more in place. As a blanket goal I want to be closer to the person I want to be instead of the person I am often dissapointed with.

So-here are my goals for now:

1. The ten thirty rule. I will be in bed, lights off ready to sleep by 10:30 each night for a week to see if I feel more energized in the morning. Also, by 10:30 each morning Felicity and I will be showered, dressed, fed, and enlightened by scripture study and prayer whether we have anywhere to go or not.

2. I will finish the two books I am reading now and will not get anything for me at the library until March 1st. This will be kind of tough.

3. Until the Olympics start I will not watch TV for my own enjoyment. Instead of watching tv and reading I will work on the de-junking I am always putting off.

4. I will get an appointment for pulmonary therapy, make sure I am taking my meds twice a day as instructed and exercise twice a week.

*I know it seems like a lot, but believe me I've got a lot of room to improve!

*Thanks for letting me babble and for putting up with this self deprecating rant. I am not trying to fish for compliments or have your pity. I know I am a good person and that we don't have to be perfect at everything. I feel good about myself in a lot of ways, but it is time for me to get a grip! I will try to live so that someone can drop by anytime without me being embarrassed about my house or my attire (I WON'T promise to wear a b.r.a. all of the time, you know I hate those things!

-Thanks for listening-if you made it this far, leave me a comment and tell me one small thing that you are awesome at-something that makes you proud. Have a good day whether you are losing your mind or getting a grip on life..

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Two Laundry Lists

I was thinking about posting all of the recent happenings as a bulleted list (o.k. I am way way behind on blogging). Then the phrase "laundry list" came into my head and I thought, "I'll show you a laundry list!" I don't know why that phrase is used exactly, but I really found myself making a laundry list yesterday. Here it is.

-Every stitch of fabric related to Felicity's new darling big girl bed (OK-not the bed skirt)-including two sheets, pillow, pillow case, mattress cover and comforter
-Kurt's brown pillow and case and our fitted sheet
-3 pairs of cute little pj's
-the kitchen rug
-two full size towels and multiple washcloths
-one set of my "undies"
-The kitchen floor
-The carpet near the kitchen floor
-Me! from neck to toes

OK-so not all of those things are "laundry" but they are all things that were VOMITED ON by a poor, sad, darling two year old within the space of five hours (2 am to 7 am-hardly a wink of sleep for any of us)And all of them had to be washed. Can you tell this is our first experience with multiple episode's of puking? We should have just undressed her and left her on a plastic sheet or something...

Poor Felicity was obviously very sick the other night. She threw up in her bed, then in my room. We got her changed, I sent the other two to sleep in our bed while I scrubbed, then she threw up in our bed, then once she was totally empty, she dry heaved every 15 minutes for a few hours. It was horribly sad! She kept saying, "All done!?" afterwards because she thought we could stop it. Finally after a few prayers and a call to the Dr's office things settled down until 7 when she finally was able to take in some liquid and then drench me in it when I picked her up off the counter. Seriously-so gross. Anyway... Things are better now.

It is weird to be a parent and have to deal with this stuff. It's strange how alert and sympathetic you become when a sick child wakes you (believe me, I am not usually alert or sympathetic when awakened). It's weird how you feel so bad for your offspring and not for yourself even though you're up scrubbing yuckies (I did start to feel bad for myself after no sleep and that 7 am dousing).

It made me think of my mom. Even as a young child I was amazed with my mom's kindness when I would throw up in the night. I remember how sweet she was to me and helped get me clean pj's and bedding and then she would be still cleaning as I drifted off. I always thought it was such a gross gross job and I felt bad for her. I think I remember asking her if she wanted help and she said, "no,no,no-go back to sleep." So nice. I was asking Felicity if she felt better today and she then showed me and told me everywhere she threw up. Then she said, "I naughty." She says this a lot and it's most of the time true, but I tried to explain to her that throwing up is not naughty, it's an accident because you're sick. Poor thing.


Second Laundry List

-Felicity turned 2! We had a Curious George party and she was absolutely spoiled by family and friends!

-Christmas was amazing! We are so lucky to be able to spend time with both of our families. If Felicity wasn't spoiled enough on the 19th, she reached a new level of spoiled on Christmas!

-Did I tell you that my youngest Brother Brett is engaged to long time girlfriend Tara? They are getting married April first. I am excited!

-Kurt's brother Aaron and his wife Jeanette were here from Las Vegas. It was fun to spend time with the newlyweds

-My BFF Jana had a baby boy! I am so happy for her and so proud of her. Jay Otto Neser is adorable. Can't wait to meet him.

- I got all of my yearly tests done to check on anything and everything that could be effected by my Scleroderma. My brain MRI,Echo,lung function test,and barium swallow study were all pretty good-but my chest CT showed some inflammation in the lungs. SO-I am starting a new medication and will be testing lung function for the next year to see if things can improve or at least remain stable. This was kind of a bummer at first-because I have to add a pretty serious medication to my long list and because I would really like to be able to try to add another little one to this family (because I'm so good at handling the first one, right?) But, it is not in the cards for now, we will see how things are in a year. But,you know what? Things could definitely be worse and we are really really blessed in so many other ways. Especially blessed to have our little up-chuck queen.

I was thinking the other day about when Kurt and I were first married. I wanted to have kids from day one, but he had a year left in school and then wanted to do a masters, so we had decided that I would probably teach for three years and then we would try. But Kurt came home one day (after being married 5 months) and said, "I'm ready when you're ready." After some spiritual experiences and prayer, we were pregnant with Felicity in March. Looking back, I realize that if we would have waited three years or so, we would be trying to have our first baby now. And because of my Scleroderma diagnosis about a year ago-that probably wouldn't be possible. So, I just wanted to publicly count my blessings and if Felicity is the only child that we ever have on our own, I will be grateful.

Sorry, things got kind of heavy there at the end. But these are things that are happening, these are the things I think about. I'm happy for a new year and that none of Felicity's barf got on the new couch!