Early Morning Musings

Chances are, you already know about the happy things that have happened in the last year since I have posted. Namely, we had a second child. No big deal. Yes, big deal! Calvin James Radmall was born June 5, 2012 and he is the cutest and the best.

I may or may not ever get to blogging about the details of things, but know this, I must be motivated or prompted to sit and try to write a blog post, because it's 5:47 a.m. and I would normally be headed back to slumber land.

As I sit quietly during a 5:00 a.m. feeding, I am overwhelmed by thoughts of gratitude and wonder. As I look at my sweet boy I am completely amazed that this perfect little being with milky soft smooth skin, tiny fingers and round little head is mine to hold and love for eternity.

I am in awe that his chubby, smiling, laughing body is here and has grown from a small dot to a perfect child. It's incredible that over the last 15 months, he has developed and grown and stayed alive because of my body. A body so imperfect that it's easy to curse it sometimes. A body that aches and doesn't bend like it should. A body that has it's own turmoil but was able to grow two miraculous children. Sometimes when I look at my scary hands or contemplate my new "Scleroderma face" it's easy to wish for the past, the more vigorous, able, athletic, beautiful body I once had. At times I mourn what once was or what could have been, but after a little sadness and a few justified thoughts of loss, I am overcome with gratitude for the path my life has taken and for the things this broken body has been able to do.

A girl and a boy. Blondies. Smart, smiley, sassy, difficult, beautiful, perfect children.
Their soft skin instead of my thick hard restrictive shell. Their bouncy, jumpy, bendy bodies instead of my inflexible creaky one. Their soft pink lips instead of my thin tight ones. Their perfect supple flexible fingers instead of my crunched, hard, bent, wounded purple cold ones. Their healthy lungs fully functioning and breathing sweet air instead of mine, impaired and laboring hard as I climb stairs.

I might look a little different, or hold my baby a little awkwardly. I might embarrass them at some point with my ever present gloves and heat pack, but I know I am supposed to be their mother. I might not be the one to wrestle with them on the floor or run up and down the soccer field with them, but I can push a stroller and I can help sound out words and I can play I spy and I can revel in the things I can and will teach my children. I will smile and watch as their father does the things with them that I cannot because he is my partner in their miracles.

And I will forever be grateful to my Heavenly Father for allowing me to meet and marry a perfect partner for me. I will forever be grateful that he allowed and enabled me to be a mother to these children. I am indebted to my Savior who covers all of my imperfections and understands my pain and my joy. Life is full of both. In these early morning hours I am at peace with my pain and empowered by my joy.

Yes, it's been almost six months since I last posted. There's really no reason why I haven't posted, no catastrophic event that has altered our daily lives. I've just been lazy, tired and busy. And every time I get on the computer I think that I should post something, but I feel like it has to be some big "to do" and I don't have the energy for that. Also, sometimes trying to do things on the computer reminds me that I'm turning into an old person who is loosing her grip on technology. I am constantly telling Kurt to "make the printer work".  Also-I had my phone "wiped clean" and Mr. Verizon store man failed to mention that I would lose all of my pictures. Grr. So-there's that.

So, here it is-a weak little wave from me. I'm here. I'm back. See ya soon.

Random picture-We sent this picture out with Felicity's birthday invite-for her circus party in Dec. It works for Rudolph too...

Mahalo Kurt, Mahalo.

Remember a few posts back when I said Kurt was the best? Well, he really outdid himself by letting me go to Hawaii for a week with two of my best friends. Jana, Rischel and I met ten years ago at BYU Hawaii where we lived in the dorms together. We all ended up finishing school there at different times and although we live in different places, we have stayed close and love to get together when we can. So, the perfect reunion came together. Jana and Rischel were talking and discovered they were both planning on going to Hawaii this fall and then they called me to see if I could go too. They were both going with their hubbys and Jana and Wes with baby Jay. Kurt and I talked it over for about a week and he ended up saying, "You should go for sure, but I don't need to go."Based on his work and the financial aspect and his prediction that I would spend six days sitting on the beach reading celeb magazines and chatting, he decided to skip it. I felt better knowing that Kurt was with Felicity every evening and over the weekend. I am so lucky to have such a good husband who lets me "spread my wings" as President Hinckley would say. Thank you Kurty J.

We had so much fun catching up and laughing, EATING and reminiscing. The weather was awesome, the company amazing and the vacation once in a lifetime. Thank you to everyone that watched Felicity while I was gone. Thank you Hawaii for being awesome. I love you and miss you already.

Standing in front of our dorm. Hall-eh two baby.

A honu like this ran into me while I was swimming. The water was murky and shallow and I was a little freaked out. I was trying to leave this guy alone and avoid the $10,000 fine, but I was literally laying on top of him trying to get away.

Rischel and Jon at sharks cove

Awkward pose, I know. Awesome weather and glassy clear water at Waimea. So, beautiful.

Cute Jana and baby Jay. He was a good baby and a good traveling buddy.

A Little scary looking I know..

Jana's darling baby Jay.

We stayed the first two nights at the beautiful Turtle Bay Hotel. It was Suh-weet. Then we stayed in an awesome condo for the next four nights. Thanks to Bitsy for the sweet hook up!

Enjoying Motsumotos with Rischel and hubby Jon. The three BFF's and baby Jay.

Isn't this the cutest picture?

Outside of the Grass Skirt Grill, our favorite place for yummy fish, rice and salad.

Chattin up the girls while the boys found some surf on the south shore.

Isn't this cute? All the boys-watching the waves.

Ok, so I didn't do four posts, but I did two. I am kind of proud of myself. I hope the five of you that read my blog are proud too!

Hee Haw Farms

Thanks for the fun afternoon Christie and Addie!
Cute, right?

The big slide! Super fun.

Getting ready to slide.

Waiting for the hayride wagon.

When we got home Felicity had tons of corn in her boots and she said, "Mom, we forgot to feed this to the ducks! She made me put it in a baggie and save it.

Yee Haw we went to Hee Haw. We took the girls for a fun afternoon of stepping in pig poop, getting head butted by a goat with horns (poor Addie). Playing in corn-weird, but fun for Felicity. We had popcorn and a hay ride and picked out pumpkins and it was all kinds of good fall fun . I do love this time of year. So far I have enjoyed: Pumpkin Jamba Juice (twice), Pumpkin empanadas, pumpkin pie, pumpkin chili, pumpkin crumble dessert, pumpkin pancakes and my favorite-a pumpkin oreo shake. So good!

It is my goal to post four new entries on this blog before next Monday morning. Not including this one. This one is decidedly lame. Wish me luck. I am way behind.

Knows her fast food...

At my dad's birthday dinner yesterday my nephew Sam was talking about his favorite dinners. His number one favorite is "german oven pancakes". His number two favorite is spaghetti and his number three favorite is tacos! At that moment Felicity chimed in, "I love taco bell!"

Hm. I wonder which sister cooks and which one doesn't.

Sometimes Felicity wakes up and the first thing she says is, "I want to go to _____ for lunch with you!" Insert Taco bell, Wendy's or Costco. I tell her that we have to eat breakfast first and then we will see about lunch.

But I am trying to be a little better. I have been using food from the pantry and the freezer to make dinner at home. Thanks to Kurt for putting up with a few "creative" meals. He always says, "tastes good to me."

I love the two folks in my little family. They are the best.

This picture is Felicity's face after helping me make a peach pie from scratch. Just sayin.

(ok. not the crust.)

Dummy Bear

Do you ever just do dumb stuff and you know it's dumb and you know you will regret it, but you do it anyway? I'm not talking about anything serious. I'm just talking about the fact that I am on the computer and it is 3:28 in the morning and I haven't slept and my main complaint in life is that I don't get enough good sleep. Anway-I was just online looking up possible ways we could move to Hawaii and how much it would cost to get a personal organizer and gymnastics classes for toddlers so I thought I would post a little gem on the old bloggity blog. Now Felicity is up for the 15th time tonight so I had better work on getting us both to bed. I have a million things I want to say and ask and I feel like my life is a whirlwind of thoughts, longing, possibilites and questions but for now I will say adieu and goodnight. And I miss my friends. You know who you are.
p.s. copyright Aunge

Best Thing

Yes, a lot of things have happened since I last posted. Namely April, May and June. And yes, a lot of things happened during those months, but I have been too tired, too lazy and quite simply too addicted to Netflix "watch instantly through the Wii" to post anything.

But all I want to post about right now is my husband.

The last two things posted on this blog were posted by him and they are both sweet things that melt my heart. And I don't let him know about this melting process as often as it happens. I am usually too busy harping on him about closing doors and coming home on time and not spacing out. I need to be nicer to him. But along with the mundane and sometimes frustrating business of everyday life, this heart melting stuff has been happening a lot lately and I wanted to pay tribute to him and let all of you know how incredibly lucky I feel.

I hope he doesn't mind me sharing this, but when we were dating and engaged we would often tell one another "best thing" when we were really happy. I'm pretty sure Kurt started it. I had it engraved on the inside of his wedding ring, because he truly is the best thing that ever happened to me. I thought I knew what that meant then, but I know so much more about the best things in life now. Being a wife. Being a mother. Having a loving family who makes you laugh and makes you toast and drives you crazy sometimes.

I feel like I had kind of a lot of dating experience before I got married. I dated some really great guys and some of them for a good long while. And I thought of marrying some of them, but it just never felt just right. Some of them are still my friends and I will care about them always. Some are amazing husbands and fathers now. But Kurt was the right person for me when he came into my life, and he is more the right person for me now.

I never really appreciated all that he is until I got sick.

After the heartache and the body aches began I realized that no one could care for me the way Kurt does. He is very quiet and calm and caring. He is one of the hardest workers I know. He works very hard at his job and sometimes does real estate on the side. He has a demanding church calling. He comes home and takes Felicity off my hands and usually takes her out to do something on Saturdays. He listens to my complaints and gets me socks and heats up my heat pack and gets me ice cream and medicine and whatever else I need. He gives so much service without ever expecting anything in return. And he NEVER complains. Seriously.

He also:

-gets up early and doesn't ever use the snooze button. Crazy person I know.

-reaches things that are way up high

-lets me talk him into eating out

-never leaves a mess or his clothes or towels on the floor

-never leaves anything in his pockets for me to find in the washer

-scrubs the tub and the toilet and vacuums

-gives Felicity her bath every night

-takes Felicity to fathers and sons. ha ha.

-keeps up with his sports online and doesn't complain that we don't have ESPN

-falls asleep the second his head hits the pillow

-writes beautiful love letters for me on holidays

-puts up with me and my sometimes uptight, bossy craziness.

-understands how much I need to spend time with my best friends ( that are girls) when they are in town.

-Is the ultimate greatest dad

-lets me spray him with sunscreen even though he hates it

-always fixes my spacing on my blog posts because it never does what I tell it. Like right now.

Kurt, I love you so much. I love you even though you don't like to go to movies by yourself, even when I try to force you. I know it's because you would rather go with me. You are sweet like that. I love you even though you make a goofy face in pictures 90% of the time.

Thank you for marrying me and for being my best friend (that is a boy). Thank you for working so hard for our family and for never complaining even though I am not the greatest housekeeper. I like to think of myself more as a homemaker. But really, you are the one that makes our house a home. Felicity and I love you more than computers can say. Thank you for your sweetness. I Love you and appreciate you more than you know.

Scleroderma Awareness

I think most of you know now that Kelli has scleroderma. We want to do our part to raise awareness and to contribute to finding a cure for this autoimmune disease. One week from today there is a "Stepping Out to Cure Scleroderma" Walk/Run in Syracuse, Utah (there are also other similar events around the country). If any of you want to show support and attend, we would love to see you there. For those who would like to contribute to the cause but can't attend the event, you can also donate on this page that we have set up in Kelli's name. As I'm sure all of you would expect, Kelli has been awesome at dealing with the disease. It has definitely taken its toll on her health and stamina, but she doesn't let that get in the way of being a kick-butt mother and wife (not to mention that she has kicked my butt a time or two). She is seeing a specialist in Salt Lake who has been great, and she takes a gazillion pills a day. One of these days she is going to gag, because she seems to take them all at the same time. Us humanoids can't swallow that many pills at the same time. One perk in all of this is that we scored a temporary handicap parking pass (I'm allowed to joke about that, right?). We're hopeful that the medication Kelli is currently on will continue to relieve the pain and treat the symptoms. I'm proud of Kelli's attitude and determination. Felicity and I love her more than anything. Help us find a cure.

• I found a great article on scleroderma in the The New York Times.
• Here is a good story about someone who has scleroderma and how they treated it.

Below is a picture of how it can start to affect your skin. The skin can tighten significantly and deteriorate the function and flexibility of your hands for example.

Here is a good brief description of the disease:

Scleroderma is a chronic autoimmune disease characterized by hardening and thickening of the skin. There are two major classifications of scleroderma: localized, which affects the skin only, and systemic scleroderma, which affects the blood vessels and internal organs. The symptoms may be mild or severe. Progression of the disease may affect the ability of some patients to carry out everyday tasks. Complications of systemic scleroderma may lead to serious problems of the major organs in the body. There is no cure for scleroderma, but treatment can relieve its symptoms.

Mother's Day

We spent Mother's Day in Las Vegas celebrating my brother's graduation from the dental school at UNLV. We also spent it with Kelli, who Felicity and I think is a pretty terrific mother and wife. We count ourselves as the lucky ones. These pictures were our gift to her. They were taken by a good friend, Caralyn Hendershot. Check her stuff out at http://caralynbrook.com/. She also has more of our pics at http://caralynbrook.blogspot.com/. Felicity's cousin, Addison, joined in the fun.

Party Time!

Cousin Addison's Minnie Mouse birthday party, complete with darling ears to wear, Minnie mouse pancakes and games. It was fun fun fun to play with cousins!
All I can say is Booyah. I got to fly to CA for the weekend and spend some time with my best friends Jana and Rischel and Jana's adorable baby Jay. Thank you to Kurt who took Friday off and spent the whole weekend with Felicity so I could have three days of talking, shopping, eating, lovin on a new baby, sleeping in, getting massaged and spending time with some of my favorite people in the world.

This is baby Jay. He is, of course, darling. I love him very much and he is such a good baby.

This is the husband. He loves to make funny faces for pictures. Oh boy.

This is my dad. I figure I can put this picture of him up because he will never know. Oh sure, he's down with the world wide web, but I don't think he checks my blog. Here he is in his ski outfit. Yes, a purple turtleneck and a sweater tucked into his pants. The last two pictures were taken without my knowledge while Kurt was changing batteries in my camera for my trip. Goofballs.

Happy St. Patty's day! I have on my green and white pumas, green eyeshadow and I'm ready to roll to another party tonight-full of green food, puff paint shirts and family fun!

Laughing, Melting, Losing it

Right now she is asleep-so she is not making me do any of the above, but oh boy she is a piece of work I tell you.

Having a child really strengthens your testimony of the pre mortal life and that we came here with distinct individual traits and personalities. Do you ever feel like Heavenly Father is laughing while watching you try to parent a child who is probably just like you were as a toddler? Well, ha ha. He got me good with this one.

I remember some pictures from when I was little and I had really unkempt hair. My mom said that they called me wild woman and that I wouldn't "let" anybody touch my hair. And I thought, let? Since when do you let a two year old call the shots. What do you mean you can't always "make" a kid do something? Oh, watch me, I thought-I'll show you who lets who do what. Too funny. I feel like a was a stickler teacher and had discipline down but parenting is a whole new ball game.

Apparently I am the "sucker" parent and I let her do almost anything she wants. ME? Seriously? I had those first graders in line like you wouldn't believe. Tears didn't phase me. Tantrums were nothing. Set boundaries, be consistent. Done. It's time for me to reinstate that part of my life.

She makes me laugh...

Last night I was laying in her bed with her trying to help her go to sleep (see?!) and she was doing something weird with her hand over and over. I asked her what she was doing and guess what, she was rolling a booger between her finger and thumb. I couldn't help it, I got into a laughing fit-which didn't help her go to sleep. So we laughed and laughed, and I got her a tissue.

She makes me melt...

While we were home sick and Kurt was at a Superbowl party we watched The Testaments. Otherwise known as "Jesus movie". We watched it three times that day. And we watched it today. She loves it. A few days after the first viewing we were in the car and Felicity pointed up to the sky and said, "Jesus come down." Just like the movie. It was incredibly touching. She also started saying, "I love you mom." Sometimes she comes and snuggles my side on the couch and tells me that she loves me. And that she wants candy.

She makes me lose it...

And by it, I mean my sanity of course. Her sleeping habits are horrible since she was sick. She wakes up a few times a night, begs to get into our bed, she won't nap etc. Grrr! So today, after an hour of being nice, laying by her, letting her in my bed, getting certain pillows, blankies etc. she got locked in her room and fell asleep crying by the door. This is NOT the first time. You don't have to tell me I'm doing it all wrong, I already know. But we did some things that worked before and now it's time to start again. She is very resistant to the following; getting her diaper changed (she is actually making some progress with the potty though!), wearing clothes, wearing socks and shoes, getting her hair washed or brushed or done, getting lotion on, eating in the kitchen, getting in her car seat, coming in from outside and the list goes on.

I know these things are pretty normal for a kid this age, right? Tell me it's not all my fault! So, I have a naked little girl with messy hair who leaves a trail of clothes. Sound familiar mom?

Round Two

How are my goals going, you ask?

Well-they were going just OK for a few days-then we were hit with another "stomach bug" and everything pretty much went out the window.

I will have you know that I went to bed by 10:30 for like, three nights in a row-I couldn't fall asleep right away though and one of those nights I lay in bed giggling because I was thinking of funny things to tell Jana and I really, really wanted to call her except I didn't because I was so disciplined at keeping my goals-partly-for a couple of days. I was also up-and-at-em by 10:30 for a few days.

I went to the rec center once (sincere thanks to Christie for helping me be motivated to go) and I called twice to make an appointment for pulmonary therapy but could never get a live human on the phone. I have been doing much better at remembering to take my new medication before bed. Ask Kurt if he likes the reminder on my phone each night at ten.

Since we have been sick I have been watching some t.v. and a lot of movies. But hey-I made the rule and I say that it's OK to break it for now. Also, I totally got new books at the library, but not as many as I usually do. I just couldn't take it anymore! I've got to have a book that I'm interested in (I have been muddling through some weird Orson Scott Card book and can't find the will to finish it. I just don't like his writing very much)

So-I just wanted to say poo-poo to my goals for now. We will see what happens when we are feeling better and not forever trapped in our lovely little home that smells like #3 and #4 (throw up and diarrhea-duh).

The good news is that we have been working on the smell and the cleaning and the laundry and the dishes and things are under control. If Felicity doesn't hurl tonight it would be a miracle and mean that I am almost caught up on laundry.

I asked Kurt last night if I was being punished for complaining about Felicity's last bout of sickness. He said no, and I say no because that's not how it works, right? Anyway-it's way worse this time. Felicity started barfing on Sunday night and woke up and dry heaved every half hour or so for almost 24 hours. We took her to the Dr. and got some medicine to help her stomach calm down. She was finally able to take in liquids and we avoided an I.V. Now it is Thursday night and we are praying for no more throwing up! She's got that other problem now too-the one that comes from too much soda and not enough food. I do think it's funny that she says, "scusting" (disgusting) when I change her diaper.

I'm sorry for all of the info on bodily fluids and such (don't read this one Tara) but I know some of you out there are not too phased by it (medical personnel and moms) and you might want to feel a little sorry for me and forgive me for skipping out on my goals so soon.

I am hoping we will get back to normal soon-but I am revisiting my footie pajamas for now. Thanks for listening and sorry for the lack of pictures-I can't find our memory card in all of the mayhem.

Get a grip!

The funny thing is..I could use a couple of these.

So, lately I have been having what I call, "lose your mind days" and "get a grip" days. Usually I get a grip after one or two days of losing my mind.

I was kind of looking forward to getting past the (wonderful!) holidays so that I could rest more, get into a normal routine and set and achieve some new goals. I started thinking of things that I wanted to improve upon and it seemed like almost everything in my life made that list! Does that happen to anyone else?

Keep the house clean, read my scriptures, de-junk, save money, exercise more, watch less t.v., be less idle, be a better wife and mother, be more patient, get out more, do a better job with my callings and church assignments etc.

Lately the only things that I feel like I excell in are keeping us stocked with clean laundry, milk, bread and toilet paper. We hardly ever run out of those things. I know it's not much, but, ya know what? When I need to feel good about myself I think of those things and sometimes it's enough to be proud of.

If you know me well, you know that my house usually looks like a bomb went off and that I don't really "cook" often. You can also often find me in my footie pajamas and Felicity in just a diaper (if I'm lucky-she hates to wear anything-and today I could only get her to put on a swim diaper-not the same thing as a diaper apparently-pee pee went everywhere). I feel like I am a good mom and a good wife (most of the time) but I am so often feeling discouraged because I am a horrible housekeeper and cook.

Factors to why I feel this way/why things are this way:

-I like to be comfy
-I am kind of a homebody
-I give Felicity a lot of freedom-it is starting to backfire-she makes messes-she throws FITS about getting dressed etc.
-I go to bed too late
-Felicity is still "jack in the boxing" out of bed each night
-I have less energy and more pain than the averge Joe because of my Scleroderma
-I have a really hard time getting moving in the mornings-joint pain and fatigue
-I am pretty sure I am lazy
-One of my favorite things to do is read and this involves staying home and ignoring messes
-Keeping up with Felicity makes me POOPED!

OK-enough excuses-and you are probably wondering where all of this is going. Really this post is more for myself than anything. Today Felicity was especially stubborn and things are a crazy mess and I just thought, "Get a grip! I am going to make some serious goals to become the person I want to be-and I am going to put it on my blog so that 1)people will know that I am aware of my faults, that I know the jammies thing is not really normal 2)Maybe someone else will have a hard day and realize that they are not the only one who feels like they can't keep up with life 3) I can put my goals into writing and maybe get a little motivation and responsibilty from my friends.

So-there are a million things I want to work on-but I really just want to make many small and responsible decisions each day so that things are more in place. As a blanket goal I want to be closer to the person I want to be instead of the person I am often dissapointed with.

So-here are my goals for now:

1. The ten thirty rule. I will be in bed, lights off ready to sleep by 10:30 each night for a week to see if I feel more energized in the morning. Also, by 10:30 each morning Felicity and I will be showered, dressed, fed, and enlightened by scripture study and prayer whether we have anywhere to go or not.

2. I will finish the two books I am reading now and will not get anything for me at the library until March 1st. This will be kind of tough.

3. Until the Olympics start I will not watch TV for my own enjoyment. Instead of watching tv and reading I will work on the de-junking I am always putting off.

4. I will get an appointment for pulmonary therapy, make sure I am taking my meds twice a day as instructed and exercise twice a week.

*I know it seems like a lot, but believe me I've got a lot of room to improve!

*Thanks for letting me babble and for putting up with this self deprecating rant. I am not trying to fish for compliments or have your pity. I know I am a good person and that we don't have to be perfect at everything. I feel good about myself in a lot of ways, but it is time for me to get a grip! I will try to live so that someone can drop by anytime without me being embarrassed about my house or my attire (I WON'T promise to wear a b.r.a. all of the time, you know I hate those things!

-Thanks for listening-if you made it this far, leave me a comment and tell me one small thing that you are awesome at-something that makes you proud. Have a good day whether you are losing your mind or getting a grip on life..

Two Laundry Lists

I was thinking about posting all of the recent happenings as a bulleted list (o.k. I am way way behind on blogging). Then the phrase "laundry list" came into my head and I thought, "I'll show you a laundry list!" I don't know why that phrase is used exactly, but I really found myself making a laundry list yesterday. Here it is.

-Every stitch of fabric related to Felicity's new darling big girl bed (OK-not the bed skirt)-including two sheets, pillow, pillow case, mattress cover and comforter
-Kurt's brown pillow and case and our fitted sheet
-3 pairs of cute little pj's
-the kitchen rug
-two full size towels and multiple washcloths
-one set of my "undies"
-The kitchen floor
-The carpet near the kitchen floor
-Me! from neck to toes

OK-so not all of those things are "laundry" but they are all things that were VOMITED ON by a poor, sad, darling two year old within the space of five hours (2 am to 7 am-hardly a wink of sleep for any of us)And all of them had to be washed. Can you tell this is our first experience with multiple episode's of puking? We should have just undressed her and left her on a plastic sheet or something...

Poor Felicity was obviously very sick the other night. She threw up in her bed, then in my room. We got her changed, I sent the other two to sleep in our bed while I scrubbed, then she threw up in our bed, then once she was totally empty, she dry heaved every 15 minutes for a few hours. It was horribly sad! She kept saying, "All done!?" afterwards because she thought we could stop it. Finally after a few prayers and a call to the Dr's office things settled down until 7 when she finally was able to take in some liquid and then drench me in it when I picked her up off the counter. Seriously-so gross. Anyway... Things are better now.

It is weird to be a parent and have to deal with this stuff. It's strange how alert and sympathetic you become when a sick child wakes you (believe me, I am not usually alert or sympathetic when awakened). It's weird how you feel so bad for your offspring and not for yourself even though you're up scrubbing yuckies (I did start to feel bad for myself after no sleep and that 7 am dousing).

It made me think of my mom. Even as a young child I was amazed with my mom's kindness when I would throw up in the night. I remember how sweet she was to me and helped get me clean pj's and bedding and then she would be still cleaning as I drifted off. I always thought it was such a gross gross job and I felt bad for her. I think I remember asking her if she wanted help and she said, "no,no,no-go back to sleep." So nice. I was asking Felicity if she felt better today and she then showed me and told me everywhere she threw up. Then she said, "I naughty." She says this a lot and it's most of the time true, but I tried to explain to her that throwing up is not naughty, it's an accident because you're sick. Poor thing.

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Second Laundry List

-Felicity turned 2! We had a Curious George party and she was absolutely spoiled by family and friends!

-Christmas was amazing! We are so lucky to be able to spend time with both of our families. If Felicity wasn't spoiled enough on the 19th, she reached a new level of spoiled on Christmas!

-Did I tell you that my youngest Brother Brett is engaged to long time girlfriend Tara? They are getting married April first. I am excited!

-Kurt's brother Aaron and his wife Jeanette were here from Las Vegas. It was fun to spend time with the newlyweds

-My BFF Jana had a baby boy! I am so happy for her and so proud of her. Jay Otto Neser is adorable. Can't wait to meet him.

- I got all of my yearly tests done to check on anything and everything that could be effected by my Scleroderma. My brain MRI,Echo,lung function test,and barium swallow study were all pretty good-but my chest CT showed some inflammation in the lungs. SO-I am starting a new medication and will be testing lung function for the next year to see if things can improve or at least remain stable. This was kind of a bummer at first-because I have to add a pretty serious medication to my long list and because I would really like to be able to try to add another little one to this family (because I'm so good at handling the first one, right?) But, it is not in the cards for now, we will see how things are in a year. But,you know what? Things could definitely be worse and we are really really blessed in so many other ways. Especially blessed to have our little up-chuck queen.

I was thinking the other day about when Kurt and I were first married. I wanted to have kids from day one, but he had a year left in school and then wanted to do a masters, so we had decided that I would probably teach for three years and then we would try. But Kurt came home one day (after being married 5 months) and said, "I'm ready when you're ready." After some spiritual experiences and prayer, we were pregnant with Felicity in March. Looking back, I realize that if we would have waited three years or so, we would be trying to have our first baby now. And because of my Scleroderma diagnosis about a year ago-that probably wouldn't be possible. So, I just wanted to publicly count my blessings and if Felicity is the only child that we ever have on our own, I will be grateful.

Sorry, things got kind of heavy there at the end. But these are things that are happening, these are the things I think about. I'm happy for a new year and that none of Felicity's barf got on the new couch!